Bad Jokes, But original
By Jonathan Berman

Two jokes I wrote when I was 13 in Santa Cruz, Ca circa 1985


1. What do you call a man having sex with a brand new filing cabinet while riding a bicycle?

A ped-o-file


2. What do you get when you cross a felafel with a philosopher?

A Greek Philosophy


1. (8/17/2013)


What do you call a fetus having a temper tantrum?

Ovary Acting


2. (8/18/2013)


What do you call it when a man dreams about fruit flavored carbonated sodas?

A Fanta Zzz


3. (8/18/2013)


What do you call a Chaka Khan impersonator?

A Chaka Con Artist


4. (8/20/2013)


Darkness is the sound of one light bulb clapping.


5. (9/9/2013)


Q: Did the Buddha believe in God?

A: Taobtful


6. (9/20/2013)


What do you call a mythical horse that drives the bus?

A municorn!


7. (?)



How many che's?

Two of 'em.


8. (12/12/2013)

A typical conversation amongst trees on the lane...


"I don't mean to create any shade, but I don't understand what makes you think you're so popular!"

"I said I'm a Poplar!!! A Poplar!!!"


9. (3/16/2014) A few Jewish jokes


Jews aren't allowed to eat pork, which is why hamsters make such great pets for the Israelites.




What do you call a short person who has to sit on top of the Torah at the table?

A Pentatukus!


10. (5/09/2014) Smart Crime


Are criminal owls Whoodlums?

Someday we will discover that doornails haven't been dead at all, they've just been waiting for their moment to shine.


11. (9/11/2014) The Lesser of Two Eeevils


When the dodgeball beetles pick teams, they always have to choose between the lesser of two weevils.


~Jonathan and Linda



12 . (1/12/2015)


The song "One Headlight" could never work on an episode of Friends, because you know in every episode you're going to see at least two.


13. (1/17/2015)


On the weekends I like to go down to the park, find lonely looking bees and let them sting me so they can look tough in front of their friends.


14. (1/21/2015)


Hey! When I said I enjoyed Blackened salmon, I didn't mean for you to spill 50,000 gallons of crude oil into the Yellowstone River!


15. (1/22/2015)


vintage tension lamps... are retired stripper poles.


16. (2/24/2016)


When stuffed animals get into trouble, it's a real emoji-ency...


17. (5/31/2016)


Why do artists always die at the dinner table?
Because they eat the palate cleanser.


18. (6/14/2016)


If you're at a Jewish friend's house and see all the Recorded Shows on their TV have a [K] next to them, it means "Keep Forever", it doesn't mean the show is Kosher... unless you're in a Hasidic household than maybe...


19. (6/15/2016)


I refuse to sleep with the TV on, I feel like that's just letting the terrorists win.


20. (10/21/2016)


Asian women are just salamanders that learned how to talk.


21. (11/09/2018)


Plantar Fasciitis is when fascist dictators have a green thumb, Hitler, being a painter was more of a Painter Fasciitis.